These Great Many Paper Cuts

This is my third attempt at a blog post over the course of the last few months. I have been simultaneously stirred to write and paralyzed. For those of you who do not yet know, Nathan, after much prayer and deliberation, moved from farming into carpentry; something he has wanted for quite some time; the story is both hilarious and incredible. One of my previous drafts consisted of me recounting the story. However, every time I went to press that bright orange "Publish" button, I could not do it. Instead, I feel I must stay true to my original intent for this blog; to convey what happens within us Walls. So rather than reporting our glistening highlights, I must present us in our real, less polished state.

It has felt like we are walking trudging through a tough season, and though I cannot lay the blame on one particular catastrophe, the overall sense is that nothing is going "as it should". For some reason, many areas of our life are not gleaming successes. From months of further delays in my immigration process, to uncertainty about our financial stability over this winter, to dashed hopes for progress on the house, to a simple longing for familiarity, to our out-of-commission car. You name it, there is something significantly difficult in almost every aspect of our life. And to top it all off, while putting my Bible study booklet in my purse this morning, I got a nasty paper cut on my knuckle! 

That paper cut may have been a trivial matter, yet a fiery retort shot out of me, "Are you serious?" My response was notably out of place for such a minor injury, yet it was indicative of the other troubles I wore around like a weighted backpack. I already felt as though these great many paper cuts in my life were trouble enough. Though minor, and relatively easy to resolve, their sting has been unreasonable in large part due to the anxiety they bring. Indeed, many questions over the last few months have started with "But what will happen with..." and ended with a heavy heart. 

The question is this: Can I really have joy in unfortunate circumstances? I can already hear most of you rushing to greet me with hopeful responses, but let us saunter there slowly. Until this week, my entire communication with God lately had become a flood of pleas for rescue, knowing full well what He is capable of. On better days, I would even trade the burdens for His soothing peace. Yet still joy eluded me, and nothing changed. And suddenly, I was reminded of a passage that I have always loved, Philippians 4:4-7. As I pored over it, I noticed two things. Firstly that the paragraph started with a charge to rejoice! Secondly, that on the surface I was doing the right things in praying and petitioning, but my heart attitude toward Him was marred by ingratitude. The thanksgiving spoken of in verse 6 was the furthest thing from my prayers, as was the joy from my heart. 

In His gentleness He showed me how my perspective on life was that it "should not be this way". How unfathomable it had become in my mind that this is what He wants for me right now, and that even now I could be living a joyful life. Rather, I started finding joy in the future, or my imaginings of it. This way I could dream up the future to be everything I would have for me. The same old human condition that would look at the tree we cannot have with desire, and blind us to the rest of the garden. My first read of this year is a timely one, Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts", and God worked through it to turn my heart's direction toward thanksgiving. I do not think that means no longer acknowledging the difficulty of the trials, because I know my Father cares to hear me out. But who is to say things will get any easier? And more importantly, who is to say that if they get easier I will suddenly find joy? Friends, I have been believing a lie, but I am thankful that He opened my eyes to it. Here's to a new journey in 2015.